My faith or lack thereof (part 3)

In my desire to find this merger between maintain my faith and feeling comfortable with who I was, I hit a lot of bumps a long the way.  My ability to make the decisions was compromised on some level and through a complicated series of events I fell into a crisis (The crisis deserves it's own post, so I'll just leave it at that for now), that shook me up pretty bad.  I took on all blame for what happened and I was sick to my stomach, with feelings of pain, regret and general lack of any kind of self-acceptance.  I can't really describe to you how bad I felt then, but looking back it probably was similar to some sort of depression.  I had just come home from college for holiday break at the time and this didn't help because I felt very alone.  There were no classes or distractions to drowned out my negative feelings.  Naturally, I sought refuge by attending a new church group.  At this church group a woman prayed for me - and, no lies, I experienced this "Epiphany" or existential experience...I know it sounds a little ludicrous but I felt as though a physical burden had been lifted from me and that new life was brought in.  At this time, I very much believed that this was God was working through me in a powerful way to reshape my then then fragile belief I had in him. 

Naturally, this was a bit of a turning point in my life and I decided to set aside much of what I was considering as doubt and move forward with Christianity.  Due to the nature of the experience and the issues I was struggling with at the the time, this turning point didn't just encourage me to continue with Christianity I knew but to redefine it for myself.  Basically, I was able to let go of some of the "judgement" and expectation aspects of the faith and attempt to come into my own a little.  I slowly walked a way from a ministry I was involved in and I like to say "I dabbled in Catholicism" for a while.  Compared to my previous version of Christianity I actually found Catholicism quite accepting and more compatible with science.  They would sometimes get together and talk their faiths and there was room in these discussion for people to have different expressed views.  I actually found it slightly uncomfortable at the time, but also likable.  The group I was involved with was quite welcoming and I even went on a mission trip with them.  My "epiphany" happened one short semester before I was done with college, so my contact with the Catholic group diminished when I was done with school.

Post college, I struggled to find myself.  I didn't feel at home in my career despite having loved college and my degree program.  I continued to look for fulfillment via church groups and Christianity and found a church that was extraordinarily social indeed.  They had put a call-out for people to start social groups at the church and I decided to start something I called "coffee-colloquium".  The goal was to bring people together to discuss important issues within the Christianity at large and share our unique ideas...it was perhaps a bit reminiscent of my experience in the catholic group.  The group had somewhere between poor and no attendance the entire time I hosted it, which was at least a year.  While I didn't take it personally; I did take it as a sign that there was marginal room for that type of discussion within the boundaries of church and it made me question my role in "church" as a larger institution.

At this time, my interest in other viewpoints continued to grow.  I also felt that a belief that was untested was not worth anything, so I began to consume information in various ways.  Most of my "seeking" continued to be done through internal sources, but I found that I was getting more liberal on what I would accept.  One book that crossed my path at a Christian book store no less was "I Sold My Soul on Ebay" by Hemant Mehta.  In it, I found myself agreeing with many of his insights and as a result decided to check out his blog.  This was at a time was I trying to figure my views out.  I would spend an hour listening to NPR and then and then (try to spend) an hour listening to Right-Wing talk radio.  I was trying to let all sides have a voice. 

For reasons I hope to go into later, I found most of Hemant's blog rather benign.  It was interesting and curious, but didn't really strike at my faith.  It wasn't until a post about a study where prayer was being shown to be unhelpful via statistically relevant data that I actually "cracked.".   Previously, it had been easy to write off many of the scientific claims as biased or wayward... but with my engineering background I knew statistics couldn't lie.  The study followed a group of patients and in the cases where prayer was used, the group of patients declined in health (as opposed to increase).  I just didn't understand why a god wouldn't heal people on average statistically. Obviously, I understood at this point that he let some people struggle... but why wouldn't he help people via prayer on average.  It frustrated me and I couldn't let it go.  It drove me to read more and more...

My faith or lack thereof (Part 2)

High-school was rife with insecurity and torment.  I really never obtained that "good group of girlfriends" and although I had a boyfriend for a time - that didn't fix everything either (of course this isn't surprising).  Somehow through this I found "my faith" to be a refuge of sorts.  I guess I felt slightly more accepted at church than anywhere else, even though when I reflect on this period of my life - I'm not sure that I was super accepted there either.  

It wasn't until the end of my senior year that I really started to question Christianity or anything that believed in to a greater degree.  Always having been an analytical, things within the church community often lacked the logical congruency I would have hoped for.  The youth group that I was heavily involved with was experiencing some cultural shifts that made everyone uneasy.  My opinion at the time was that some people were being treated unfairly and a social hierarchy was being developed within. 

However, a couple larger things prompted my later questioning.
1) Access to High-Speed Internet
2) My boyfriend  ....

Admit-ably, my boyfriend probably being the larger factor.  I started the relationship out of good ol fashioned infatuation and solid dose of rebellion, then throw in insecurity and the internet and well there you have it.  More importantly, he ended up being the first person I had met (to my knowledge) who was a liberal and an atheist.  I had of course, heard such people existed, and though I wasn't going out of my way to avoid them the vastness of Suburbia kept me pretty well incubated.   He blew some of my conventional arguments for faith and politics (I was pretty conservative Republican then too) out of the water.  My previously impervious seeming rebuttals now seemed flimsy and this deepened in me a search for "truth" and "answers" unfulfilled by what appeared as a simple belief system.  I wouldn't say I lost my faith at this time, far from it, but this experience tore a hole that would need time and some serious stitching to be repaired.    As one would assume we were way too different for this relationship to last, but what it left me with was the value of critical thought - a gift some never obtain.    

This tear in my faith lead me to do some hard questioning... and at that time I primarily sought answers within the church...  I read C.S. Lewis and Lee Strobel... as well as other resources.  Though not perfect, their arguments were fairly compelling and I was once again feeling comfortable with my belief system.  Though, the patched up tear was still strong within memory. 

At this time, I basically elected to participate in Christianity until I could figure out a good reason not to.   Assume the positive, until a negative can be proven. 

During college I lived a sort of "double life".  One where I went to church activities twice a week, volunteered to do power point, got excited about mission trips... and one where I spent time having fun, drinking and running around with people I genuinely enjoyed the company of.  They weren't as chaste as my christian friends, and they "didn't go to church", but I felt like I could be myself in this crowd.  It's amazing really how separate I kept these two lives.  One might argue that I would regret this experience, but in reality I think I need both those lives to learn the lessons I did and become the person I am today, even if it wasn't the most consistent.  Eventually though, I had to find "one life" to live.  I was pretty confused during this part of my life to say the least... I found myself finding fulfillment in both arenas and not wanting to let go of either.  Christianity and my christian friends gave me explanations about the afterlife, "safe fun", and a what I felt was purpose.  My other friends gave me a sense of self, a feeling of acceptance and a the sanity of reason (and oh by the way I enjoyed the partying too). 

What I wanted was a merger, fun and reason, acceptance of self, but where my "christian faith" could stay intact.

Blog RE-BOOT

It's been so long since I've graced this blog with my presence that I felt it deserved a re-introduction.  In case you are wondering, I've still been blogging away over at: www.foodalyst.com, which I bid you to check out.  This blog has been a lot of fun to keep up and allows me to talk about a couple of my primary interests food and running in a unique and fun way that I've really been enjoying the social element.  All in all, the experience I've had in creating and semi-maintaining foodalyst has been a blast and I wouldn't change anything about it.  However, I've noticed that I am generally more silent when it comes to my worldviews or more controversial opinions.  That's okay sometimes, but having an outlet to talk about some of the other topics that interest me is something I would like to have.  So here I am - rebooting this blog, ready to unleash my voice - no matter the matter. 

 Be prepared!

In case you don't know?

The big news that is out right now is that Jennifer Knapp is out.(She's a lesbian)


And like many others, I'll be interested to hear the reactions from all corners of the earth as this story continues to materialize. 

But it's sad isn't it that this makes such big press.

.... and it's not just this.. . It's Constance from Mississippi, It's Gays trying to get divorced in Texas...

The ignorance is getting old. 




  

Loved this video!

Vote this up in the Webbys! 

My faith or lack thereof (Part 1)

I have hesitated for sometime to bring up the topic of "my faith" on this blog. Probably because I'm not sure I have one, and I'm not sure I want people to know that.

Unfortunately, the most tangible parts of my religious upbringing have always been the fairly morally dogmatic, so I've often wondered if things had been different would that have affected the final outcome. Even though, my questioning on a theological sense began well before I ever questioned the practices.

My initial concern about belief started when I was quite young, I didn't understand the concept of the sinner's prayer. We were taught in church that if we confessed our love to Jesus, then we would be saved (from hell that is). Clearly, I wanted to be saved, hell had already been imprinted on my mind as a terrible place. However, it did not make sense that this prayer could work. I would ask my dad questions like "Is that it?", "Which way do I say it?". So much emphasis was on this prayer that I had to do it right. Consequently, I prayed it many times in many ways throughout my growing up years, just to be sure. In the end I think I was looking for some sort of confirmation like a big shining light from above showing me the truth. People at church would share such stories, but I never experienced it.

Sometimes when I was young I would lay awake at night, wondering if the whole thing was made up. Perhaps there was nothing in the afterlife, or worse yet one of the other religions is true and we are all going to hell. I worried about all the people that hadn't said the prayer right - "What was their fate?", and "How many sins was too many sins?" I never knew if I was okay. I would explain some of these thoughts to my parents and they were always willing to provide me with a helpful resource. At this point, I became introduced to the world of apologetics. One of the first books I read was Dinosaurs and the Bible.  Keep in mind here I was no more than 12.  I read other books too, as well as exploring many other resources.  I was also exposed to Church camps, and retreats and many other fun and truly dynamic experiences.

All of these experiences were wonderful to me, and as I became more and more involved those experiences the seeds of doubt began to erode.  I made a decision when I was 14 to say no more doubt or missteps I am going to be a Christian for always!.... and for the most part this was the end of my questioning.

Until I graduated from high school and....

CASH event.

Items of Note:

* Met Hement Mehta (proof located to the left)

*Hubby came to one of my wierd events and enjoyed himself

*Lots of Geeks and Engineers at this event.... hmmmm.